The most awkward moment of my life is not a moment I hope will be trumped anytime soon.
I met a girl on Tinder, we met up, hungout and decided to see each other again. She lived outside of the city so I only got to see her when she could come into the city. Things were pretty casual. One night she asked me if I would come and spend the night at her place.
“Do you live with your parents?”
“Yeah I live with my dad and brother.”
“Are they going be home?”
“My dad works late and sleeps in late.”
To get where she lived required an hour and a half bus ride and transferring buses in a town with one of the highest crime rates in Canada. She pretty much lived in the middle of nowhere. I gathered enough shit for the night, took a quick hit and then set out on my mission.
She lived in a neighborhood that’s just as bad as you imagine and just as bad as I hoped it wasn’t. A rural wooden church with its white paint peeling off was right next-door. Inside, her room was scant and felt like it was decorated 9 year earlier. Between the leftovers of her childhood pink bedroom theme and her single bed, I knew I’d made a mistake. Too late now, I’m in the middle of nowhere.
We were packed like sardines in her single bed and it got even better when she decided she didn’t want to do anything besides sleep. I can’t believe I rode an hour and a half to sleep in a shared single bed. My half of the bed was reduced to a quarter trying to deal with my hard sexual desire. There is no comfortable position in a shared single bed with a boner, trust me.
The next morning my alarm rang. I had to get to the bus and begin the long trek home. It was at this point that she decides to keep me in bed with that she withheld last night. No protest from me I’ll just catch the next bus. Guess what, I missed the second bus too. Finally, as I’m preparing to catch the third bus I hear it, noise outside of the door. Ladies and gentlemen her father is awake; pure fear. I had no idea how these country folk handle city boys like me but I knew her father could bury me in the backyard and nobody would ever find the body.
I need to catch this bus so I tell her to scope things out and clear me a path. She comes back in her room and assures me the coast is clear. Along the hallway leading to my imminent escape is a bathroom door. We sneak-out of her room, she rounds the corner by the bathroom and as she does the bathroom door swings on and I am left face-to-face with her father wearing absolutely nothing but his underwear.
I was a deer in headlights. I didn’t know what to do. I think he didn’t know what to do either because both gave each other the head nod. Instead of opening the door in the next room, making my exit clean and easy, she just hung in the kitchen leaving me trapped. This meant I had to have conversation with her box-wearing father and older brother.
“So what’s this one’s name?” Ouch.
I gave my first name and a fake last name. He asked where I was front, I lied about that too and then had excruciatingly painful small talk. I bounced at the first opportunity.
What surprised me most was her clear indifference to the situation giving me absolutely no help. Between the comment of “Oh what’s this one’s name?” and the bemused look on her face as she enjoying this awkward of encounters, I decided I never wanted to see this girl again. I was hungry, tired, and ready to forget about my misadventure into the boonies. I neither texted her nor heard from her again.
You will one day meet a girl’s father… I just hope you don’t have to do it the morning after when he’s wearing his boxers.