Breaking Beta

The Journey of a Man

Breaking Beta 2.0 – Why I am Restarting this Journal

I thought I closed this chapter on my life. I thought this journal would be forever shelved like a period of life I could look back on. I couldn’t have been more wrong…

Now almost 5 years later, everything is different. I tried to move beyond this journal thinking I had reached a level of proficiency with women that could shed this ‘beginner’ self-styled journal. Instead of progress I become complacent. I didn’t think I had to work for it, it would “just happen naturally”. And it did, for a while. I quit following what worked for lazy ‘do what I felt like’. I quit working out, and I quit sharpening my skills generally. I failed to see my own slow atrophy.

It began with lying to myself. The confidence that I originally was used to approach women now was used to make excuses of why they weren’t good enough. Instead of finding the balls to expand my borders with stories of hilarious triumph and failure, my failures were typified by my inability to even talk to a girl I found attractive.

I became “too good” to run techniques I knew worked. My flirting went from tactical, funny, and bold, to lazy, dry and boring. Instead of light teasing I would dryly poke fun at my own awkwardness or hate on someone else in the room. The decline continued.

Looking back, I can see I am my own worst enemy. The voice in my cranium telling me I’m too good for techniques and failure while same time telling me I’m not good enough for the cute girl in front of me. The last several years have been littered with one night stands, first dates that never panned out, and Trojan horse rejects called “Let’s just be friends”.

Failure hasn’t been everything. There was a fly French girl who I apathetically let slip through my fingers. There was the girl who stayed with me for three nights while I was stuck in New York because of blizzards. There girl was whose father I ran into the morning as I was sneaking out the back (stay tuned because I’m posting that story in a couple days). And there was the Christian girl who I met on the street one day and once in bed asked me if I had ever had my B***s sucked. None of these girls stuck around. I couldn’t find the desire in myself to make them want stay. They couldn’t find a reason to stay with the guy who was at his best 4 years earlier and has been just coasting ever since.

Now almost 5 years since I started this journal, I’m wiping away the fog off the mirror and looking at myself clearly: A gaunt 125lb. muscle-less frame built from eating shit food and misses meals when stressed. I think if someone hit me with a good punch I might split in half. A confidence level so low I desperately clamber for attention from girls on Tinder. A debilitating anxiety about going gym that leads me to drinking or just curling up in bed. Self-over-analysis that means I can’t do anything without picking myself part into little self-hating pieces.

I don’t know how I am going to do it. Fuck, I don’t even feel like I can! It all starts with a choice: either I do or I don’t.
It ain’t about how hard you can hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. About how much you can takea hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.”  – Ricky Balboa

I thought I closed this chapter on my life. I was wrong. This speech feels like appropriate last words for this first (new) entry.

“I don’t know what to say really.
Three minutes
to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
we heal
as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch
play by play
till we’re finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me
we can stay here
and get the shit kicked out of us
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.

Now I can’t do it for you.
I’m too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh….
I pissed away all my money
believe it or not.
I chased off
anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately,
I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That’s, that’s part of life.
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don’t quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don’t quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.

On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know
when we add up all those inches
that’s going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.

I’ll tell you this
in any fight
it is the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.

Now I can’t make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you.
Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.

That’s a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That’s football guys.
That’s all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?”

-        Al Pacino (film: Any Given Sunday)

Today, I start clawing my way out of hell. One inch at a time.

Alpha Cinema 5 of 5

Lesson #5: Respectful but unapologetic

Alpha Cinema 4 of 5

Lesson #4: Confidence in the Face of Adversity

Be Confident, humble and honest.

Alpha Cinema 3 of 5

Lesson #3:

Honest. Interesting. Confident. Unflustered.

Alpha Cinema 2 of 5

Lesson #2:

A – always
B – be
C – closing


A- attention
I- interest
D- decision
A- action

Alpha Cinema 1 of 5

Lesson #1: Confidence.

Be confident and quit approval seeking. Whatever you do, do it deliberately and with conviction.

The Essentials

tom ford essentials

If Everyone is Selling Apples, Sell Oranges.

 tumblr_mt8qsqBH8t1rl6cw1o1_500Principles of economics should be applied more readily to sexual interactions of attraction.


I’m not an economist, but through the course I became friends with the professor. Through discussion he would distill and pick out important material he felt I should learn. One of the principles he taught me was, if everyone is out selling apples, you should sell oranges. Idea behind this clear. Applied to interactions of attraction think about it like this; If every guy is being a ‘nice guy’ then be a bit of a jerk. Channel your inner James Dean – Rebel Without a Cause.

This is a very powerful tool to have in your arsenal. I think the power of this concept comes from standing out in an attractive way. I don’t have studies to reference, but I would wager if you dressed 9 guys in black and 1 in white, women would rate the man in white more attractive than the others on account of wearing a different color.

Still to the principle of playing to your strengths but don’t be afraid to switch things up. If you and everyone plays guitar, you might be the best guitarist but you’re advantage is diminished by the fact that everyone else plays. Instead, show off your photography skill at taking artistic black and white photos.

Lastly, don’t take this too far. You might be a house party drinking where everyone is telling drinking stories, but telling a girl about your Avant Garde writing skills is not going to help you. Don’t leave the preverbal Conversation Neighborhood, just walk down a more interesting avenue than everyone else.


The Two Basic Rules

muhammad-ali-training-underwater-in-miami1. Be Responsible, Always have a Protection

Nothing is worse than getting back,  making out, you get into bed and she asks, “Do you have protection?” when you know you don’t. “Umm let me check.” Sorry buddy, you are out of luck.

I put protection in every jacket that way if I need it, I have it. Don’t keep them in your wallet; in 6 months when you open it, a little cloud of dust will hit you in the face. If you have to keep it in your pocket, take it out at the end of the night.


2. Get Tested
Get tested. If anyone tries to tell you differently, they are a fucking loser. There is nothing lame about being tested, it’s the most responsible thing you can do. Even curable STIs can leave you infertile if left untreated. So man  up and go get tested… It’s free.

Missed Opportunity

I was out at the bar with a few friends, happy to be back on home turf. The bar was full of good looking girls. I’m sitting against the bar enjoying a beer when I make eye contact with a cute blonde and her friend. We hold eye contact triggering my instinct of “Approach her!”. Just to make sure I didn’t miss read her, I turned around to see her still looking at me, smiling as she walked out on to the bar patio to have a smoke.

This is the moment when I should have eaten my fears and say “Hi” to her. But I didn’t, I choked. The rest of the night as we went bar hopping. I was haunted by that missed approach. The stars were alined but I made up some lame ass excuse for not executing. My punishment, was having one golden opportunity slip through my fingers.

If the chance of pulling a cute girl isn’t enough for you, just know for the rest of the night you are going to be haunted by that one missed opportunity. I’ve noticed that when I don’t approach I end up suffering more from missed opportunity that I’ll never have again. Secret I’m sitting here hoping the universe gives me a second shot… not likely. The only way to beat this is to go out and approach, if the odds aren’t as good.

Approach even if the odds are against you. Why? Because you don’t want to go another night with nothing but the thought of missed opportunity. Go to bed kept warm with the embers of having learned a lesson.

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