Breaking Beta

The Journey of a Man

Latest Update- Sept 2014

I’ve been having a busy month so far; the first couple weeks of university always are. Fine fly college girls are everywhere. Still early enough in the year that girls are trying with their outfits and still warm enough for booty shorts.

I’ve been checking a cute little redhead I met off Tinder. She’s into me and I like her too but it’s still too early to say.

Besides that been laying some solid ground work with some other fly girls. Had a rager party the other night when I had a seriously awkward moment with a group of girls. One of them I turned down 2 years ago, one I slept with 3 years ago, one I asked out at the gym 3 years ago (she was seeing someone at the time), and the fourth girl I went out with her best friend a couple times.
Drake knew the struggle when he said “Cause I just seem my ex girl standing with my next girl standing with the one that I’m fucking right now.”
I must have done something right because they invited me to their house party next week. Shit could get interesting.

———–

Been digging on a couple of tracks from G-Eazy’s “These Things Happen”.

What Not to do on a First Date

To most of you this will be a no brainer.

 

Do not smoke on the first date unless she smokes regularly or brings it up first.

 

The Most Lethal Mindset You Could Have

Complacency has been an all too common characteristic in my life. When it comes to the opposite sex, I consider myself in the mid-range when it comes to interaction. I am capable of ‘making it happen’ but not hungry enough to be consistent. When I’ve gone out or been to parties, I get stuck in my own head. Instead of making friends or striking up a conversation, I let the proud little voice in my head convince me “I’m better than this”. This is a lethal mindset.  Not only because it’s proud and dickish, it also bets on a future that allows you to escape the accountability of the Now.

“Tomorrow’s party will have better people I want to talk to.”
“This place sucks, I can’t wait to go to [insert: Blank] where I’ll find way better girls.”
“I could get these girl if I really wanted to.”

This mindset reminds me of my favorite bar sign- “Free Beer tomorrow!” Tomorrow is both now and a future that never arrives.

The lesson for me and you is that being friendly at a party makes things more fun for yourself and everyone around you.  You have a lot more to lose looking bored and shy than you do being boisterous and friendly. Even if you are nervous, trying to pull off the ‘stoic look’ leaves you dependent on the other person to make interesting conversation. You will likely come off more as a black hole of social-energy, lacking anything interesting or exciting. On the flipside, being bold and a little bit boisterous makes it easier getting to know people. You look more fun, interesting, and you have the upper-hand having made conversation. Don’t think about it like lame social-engineering, think about what will gain friends and maximize your fun. Fuck trying to look ‘cool’ let’s just go have fun!

The Flight Attendant

It was the last leg of my flight back home to my East Coast spot. The flight was scheduled for 3 hours worth of delays. Nobody was enjoying this. Even worse, the terminal was a tiny tin can. And then all of the sudden the delay went from 10:45pm to 9:15pm; they gave us a new plane.

The plane was seated for 50 people. I went from one small tin can to another. But while boarding I noticed the flight attendant was astonishingly attractive. Curly hair, beautiful eyes and a couple other features I liked. Once our flight was underway she came by and took my order. I told her to bring me two cups because I was so parched. She mentioned noticing me in the terminal and we made small talk. It was at this point that she “Gave me the look”.

That look that tells you the ball is in your court. She doesn’t unleash those pretty eyes like that on just anyone; she meant to do that.

After the second time I knew what I had to do. I pulled out my moleskine. Ripped off a piece of grid paper, wrote her a note saying I’d like to get to know her and she should message me. I didn’t want to embarrass her on the job so I slipped the note into a folded two-dollar bill. She told me that she wanted visit the country where I have my other house, so I used giving her the bill as a discreet way of giving her the note.

—-

This happened recently so we’ll have to wait and see what happens next time she visits my city. We’re messaging with positive vibes so I’ll treat her right and we’ll wait and see!

Breaking Beta 2.0 – Restarting this Journal

I thought I closed this chapter on my life. I thought this journal would be forever shelved like a period of life I could look back on. I couldn’t have been more wrong…

Now almost 5 years later, everything is different. I tried to move beyond this journal thinking I had reached a level of proficiency with women that could shed this ‘beginner’ self-styled journal. Instead of progress I become complacent. I didn’t think I had to work for it, it would “just happen naturally”. And it did, for a while. I quit following what worked for lazy ‘do what I felt like’. I quit working out, and I quit sharpening my skills generally. I failed to see my own slow atrophy.

It began with lying to myself. The confidence that I originally was used to approach women now was used to make excuses of why they weren’t good enough. Instead of finding the balls to expand my borders with stories of hilarious triumph and failure, my failures were typified by my inability to even talk to a girl I found attractive.

I became “too good” to run techniques I knew worked. My flirting went from tactical, funny, and bold, to lazy, dry and boring. Instead of light teasing I would dryly poke fun at my own awkwardness or hate on someone else in the room. The decline continued.

Looking back, I can see I am my own worst enemy. The voice in my cranium telling me I’m too good for techniques and failure while same time telling me I’m not good enough for the cute girl in front of me. The last several years have been littered with one night stands, first dates that never panned out, and Trojan horse rejects called “Let’s just be friends”.

Failure hasn’t been everything. There was a fly French girl who I apathetically let slip through my fingers. There was the girl who stayed with me for three nights while I was stuck in New York because of blizzards. There girl was whose father I ran into the morning as I was sneaking out the back (stay tuned because I’m posting that story in a couple days). And there was the Christian girl who I met on the street one day and once in bed asked me if I had ever had my B***s sucked. None of these girls stuck around. I couldn’t find the desire in myself to make them want stay. They couldn’t find a reason to stay with the guy who was at his best 4 years earlier and has been just coasting ever since.

Now almost 5 years since I started this journal, I’m wiping away the fog off the mirror and looking at myself clearly: A gaunt 125lb. muscle-less frame built from eating shit food and misses meals when stressed. I think if someone hit me with a good punch I might split in half. A confidence level so low I desperately clamber for attention from girls on Tinder. A debilitating anxiety about going gym that leads me to drinking or just curling up in bed. Self-over-analysis that means I can’t do anything without picking myself part into little self-hating pieces.

I don’t know how I am going to do it. Fuck, I don’t even feel like I can! It all starts with a choice: either I do or I don’t.
It ain’t about how hard you can hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. About how much you can takea hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.”  – Ricky Balboa

I thought I closed this chapter on my life. I was wrong. This speech feels like appropriate last words for this first (new) entry.

“I don’t know what to say really.
Three minutes
to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
Either
we heal
as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch
play by play
till we’re finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me
and
we can stay here
and get the shit kicked out of us
or
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.

Now I can’t do it for you.
I’m too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh….
I pissed away all my money
believe it or not.
I chased off
anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately,
I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That’s, that’s part of life.
But,
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don’t quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don’t quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.

On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know
when we add up all those inches
that’s going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.

I’ll tell you this
in any fight
it is the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.

Now I can’t make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you.
Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.

That’s a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That’s football guys.
That’s all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?”

–        Al Pacino (film: Any Given Sunday)

Today, I start clawing my way out of hell. One inch at a time.

Alpha Cinema 5 of 5

Lesson #5: Respectful but unapologetic

Alpha Cinema 4 of 5

Lesson #4: Confidence in the Face of Adversity

Be Confident, humble and honest.

Alpha Cinema 3 of 5

Lesson #3:

Honest. Interesting. Confident. Unflustered.

Alpha Cinema 2 of 5

Lesson #2:

A – always
B – be
C – closing

————-

A- attention
I- interest
D- decision
A- action

Alpha Cinema 1 of 5

Lesson #1: Confidence.

Be confident and quit approval seeking. Whatever you do, do it deliberately and with conviction.

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