I really had to wrestle with myself before I could write this but I am completely imploding. Everyone has bad days and rough weeks but a prolonged period of helplessness and inability to do anything is depression. I’ve studied depression in university and until now never met the criteria but now I’m almost certain i’m experiencing a depressive episode. Just sitting here typing every single key is hard. I just want to stop right HERE and not write another word. Its been this way for almost two months now.
I absolutely cannot find the energy or drive to make myself do anything. I can’t even find it in myself to go for a run. I just sit here criticizing myself and all the reasons I shouldn’t go. When I’m dragged out by my friends I sink into a depression of just feeling desperate to keep conversation and hide whats really going on. No woman will have me and I have the lowest confidence of my life in recent years.
The sad truth of becoming an adult is nobody is there for you anymore; you are alone.
Since university got out my life has spiraled into nothing. When I finish school for the summer I had big plans of things I wanted to do. Now on the cusp of July none of those goals have been met. No matter what I do I can’t pull myself together.
Right now I’m studying something in university which has no jobs to speak of with a BA. It’s interesting and I love studying it, but after school I’m looking kinda fucked. I have no qualifications or employable skills. My resume work experience is empty. Every time I try committing to something I can’t do it, I don’t have the resolve. My confidence is at an all time low.
I’ve been in this depressive mood for a while now. I can’t get myself out of this hole. Every time I try to climb the walls I fall right back down, deeper.
This expresses exactly how I feel…