Breaking Beta

The Journey of a Man

Tag: life

Final Year Cash Out

“Go Big or go home.”

September marks the beginning of the end, the first month of my last year in university. And like Van Wilder I don’t want the party to end. In my first year at university I did a lot of stupid shit and gave zero fucks. I fucked a lot of girls, did a lot of wild shit and burnt a lot of bridges. In short I was/am an animal.

I don’t regret the sex or questionable decisions, I learned from those experiences. What I do regret is being an asshole when I didn’t need to be. After my first year, a couple times I year I would show up to a party and one of my haterz would be there. Other times I start seeing a girl only to find out she was friends with someone I screwed over.

With age comes wisdom, I learned how to not care what people thought without pissing them off. I went from having something to prove to everyone to just not caring what most people thought.

At the same time I wanted to wash away ‘bad blood’. Apologizing is one of the hardest things a man can do. It’s about swallowing your pride and making someone else more important. Not everyone got an apology, just the people I knew deserved it.


For myself, fourth year is an odd time. On the one hand I want to leave this place with a ‘good taste’ in my mouth and on the other hand I want to make the most of my final lap. So this year is a little bit of both; mending fences and fucking shit up.

Some girls I never made an aggressive move for. I played things safe and never expressed overt interest. With limited time left, the time for playing things safe has ended. Right now, I am doing alright for myself but it isn’t enough. I have to cash out… Exhaust all possibilities.


Could be some interesting stories that emerge from this attitude… Stay tuned.

Latest Update- Sept 2014

I’ve been having a busy month so far; the first couple weeks of university always are. Fine fly college girls are everywhere. Still early enough in the year that girls are trying with their outfits and still warm enough for booty shorts.

I’ve been checking a cute little redhead I met off Tinder. She’s into me and I like her too but it’s still too early to say.

Besides that been laying some solid ground work with some other fly girls. Had a rager party the other night when I had a seriously awkward moment with a group of girls. One of them I turned down 2 years ago, one I slept with 3 years ago, one I asked out at the gym 3 years ago (she was seeing someone at the time), and the fourth girl I went out with her best friend a couple times.
Drake knew the struggle when he said “Cause I just seem my ex girl standing with my next girl standing with the one that I’m fucking right now.”
I must have done something right because they invited me to their house party next week. Shit could get interesting.


Been digging on a couple of tracks from G-Eazy’s “These Things Happen”.

The Most Lethal Mindset You Could Have

Complacency has been an all too common characteristic in my life. When it comes to the opposite sex, I consider myself in the mid-range when it comes to interaction. I am capable of ‘making it happen’ but not hungry enough to be consistent. When I’ve gone out or been to parties, I get stuck in my own head. Instead of making friends or striking up a conversation, I let the proud little voice in my head convince me “I’m better than this”. This is a lethal mindset.  Not only because it’s proud and dickish, it also bets on a future that allows you to escape the accountability of the Now.

“Tomorrow’s party will have better people I want to talk to.”
“This place sucks, I can’t wait to go to [insert: Blank] where I’ll find way better girls.”
“I could get these girl if I really wanted to.”

This mindset reminds me of my favorite bar sign- “Free Beer tomorrow!” Tomorrow is both now and a future that never arrives.

The lesson for me and you is that being friendly at a party makes things more fun for yourself and everyone around you.  You have a lot more to lose looking bored and shy than you do being boisterous and friendly. Even if you are nervous, trying to pull off the ‘stoic look’ leaves you dependent on the other person to make interesting conversation. You will likely come off more as a black hole of social-energy, lacking anything interesting or exciting. On the flipside, being bold and a little bit boisterous makes it easier getting to know people. You look more fun, interesting, and you have the upper-hand having made conversation. Don’t think about it like lame social-engineering, think about what will gain friends and maximize your fun. Fuck trying to look ‘cool’ let’s just go have fun!

The Flight Attendant

It was the last leg of my flight back home to my East Coast spot. The flight was scheduled for 3 hours worth of delays. Nobody was enjoying this. Even worse, the terminal was a tiny tin can. And then all of the sudden the delay went from 10:45pm to 9:15pm; they gave us a new plane.

The plane was seated for 50 people. I went from one small tin can to another. But while boarding I noticed the flight attendant was astonishingly attractive. Curly hair, beautiful eyes and a couple other features I liked. Once our flight was underway she came by and took my order. I told her to bring me two cups because I was so parched. She mentioned noticing me in the terminal and we made small talk. It was at this point that she “Gave me the look”.

That look that tells you the ball is in your court. She doesn’t unleash those pretty eyes like that on just anyone; she meant to do that.

After the second time I knew what I had to do. I pulled out my moleskine. Ripped off a piece of grid paper, wrote her a note saying I’d like to get to know her and she should message me. I didn’t want to embarrass her on the job so I slipped the note into a folded two-dollar bill. She told me that she wanted visit the country where I have my other house, so I used giving her the bill as a discreet way of giving her the note.


This happened recently so we’ll have to wait and see what happens next time she visits my city. We’re messaging with positive vibes so I’ll treat her right and we’ll wait and see!

Breaking Beta 2.0 – Restarting this Journal

I thought I closed this chapter on my life. I thought this journal would be forever shelved like a period of life I could look back on. I couldn’t have been more wrong…

Now almost 5 years later, everything is different. I tried to move beyond this journal thinking I had reached a level of proficiency with women that could shed this ‘beginner’ self-styled journal. Instead of progress I become complacent. I didn’t think I had to work for it, it would “just happen naturally”. And it did, for a while. I quit following what worked for lazy ‘do what I felt like’. I quit working out, and I quit sharpening my skills generally. I failed to see my own slow atrophy.

It began with lying to myself. The confidence that I originally was used to approach women now was used to make excuses of why they weren’t good enough. Instead of finding the balls to expand my borders with stories of hilarious triumph and failure, my failures were typified by my inability to even talk to a girl I found attractive.

I became “too good” to run techniques I knew worked. My flirting went from tactical, funny, and bold, to lazy, dry and boring. Instead of light teasing I would dryly poke fun at my own awkwardness or hate on someone else in the room. The decline continued.

Looking back, I can see I am my own worst enemy. The voice in my cranium telling me I’m too good for techniques and failure while same time telling me I’m not good enough for the cute girl in front of me. The last several years have been littered with one night stands, first dates that never panned out, and Trojan horse rejects called “Let’s just be friends”.

Failure hasn’t been everything. There was a fly French girl who I apathetically let slip through my fingers. There was the girl who stayed with me for three nights while I was stuck in New York because of blizzards. There girl was whose father I ran into the morning as I was sneaking out the back (stay tuned because I’m posting that story in a couple days). And there was the Christian girl who I met on the street one day and once in bed asked me if I had ever had my B***s sucked. None of these girls stuck around. I couldn’t find the desire in myself to make them want stay. They couldn’t find a reason to stay with the guy who was at his best 4 years earlier and has been just coasting ever since.

Now almost 5 years since I started this journal, I’m wiping away the fog off the mirror and looking at myself clearly: A gaunt 125lb. muscle-less frame built from eating shit food and misses meals when stressed. I think if someone hit me with a good punch I might split in half. A confidence level so low I desperately clamber for attention from girls on Tinder. A debilitating anxiety about going gym that leads me to drinking or just curling up in bed. Self-over-analysis that means I can’t do anything without picking myself part into little self-hating pieces.

I don’t know how I am going to do it. Fuck, I don’t even feel like I can! It all starts with a choice: either I do or I don’t.
It ain’t about how hard you can hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. About how much you can takea hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.”  – Ricky Balboa

I thought I closed this chapter on my life. I was wrong. This speech feels like appropriate last words for this first (new) entry.

“I don’t know what to say really.
Three minutes
to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
we heal
as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch
play by play
till we’re finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me
we can stay here
and get the shit kicked out of us
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.

Now I can’t do it for you.
I’m too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh….
I pissed away all my money
believe it or not.
I chased off
anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately,
I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That’s, that’s part of life.
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don’t quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don’t quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.

On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know
when we add up all those inches
that’s going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.

I’ll tell you this
in any fight
it is the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.

Now I can’t make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you.
Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.

That’s a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That’s football guys.
That’s all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?”

–        Al Pacino (film: Any Given Sunday)

Today, I start clawing my way out of hell. One inch at a time.

If Everyone is Selling Apples, Sell Oranges.

 tumblr_mt8qsqBH8t1rl6cw1o1_500Principles of economics should be applied more readily to sexual interactions of attraction.


I’m not an economist, but through the course I became friends with the professor. Through discussion he would distill and pick out important material he felt I should learn. One of the principles he taught me was, if everyone is out selling apples, you should sell oranges. Idea behind this clear. Applied to interactions of attraction think about it like this; If every guy is being a ‘nice guy’ then be a bit of a jerk. Channel your inner James Dean – Rebel Without a Cause.

This is a very powerful tool to have in your arsenal. I think the power of this concept comes from standing out in an attractive way. I don’t have studies to reference, but I would wager if you dressed 9 guys in black and 1 in white, women would rate the man in white more attractive than the others on account of wearing a different color.

Still to the principle of playing to your strengths but don’t be afraid to switch things up. If you and everyone plays guitar, you might be the best guitarist but you’re advantage is diminished by the fact that everyone else plays. Instead, show off your photography skill at taking artistic black and white photos.

Lastly, don’t take this too far. You might be a house party drinking where everyone is telling drinking stories, but telling a girl about your Avant Garde writing skills is not going to help you. Don’t leave the preverbal Conversation Neighborhood, just walk down a more interesting avenue than everyone else.


The Two Basic Rules

muhammad-ali-training-underwater-in-miami1. Be Responsible, Always have a Protection

Nothing is worse than getting back,  making out, you get into bed and she asks, “Do you have protection?” when you know you don’t. “Umm let me check.” Sorry buddy, you are out of luck.

I put protection in every jacket that way if I need it, I have it. Don’t keep them in your wallet; in 6 months when you open it, a little cloud of dust will hit you in the face. If you have to keep it in your pocket, take it out at the end of the night.


2. Get Tested
Get tested. If anyone tries to tell you differently, they are a fucking loser. There is nothing lame about being tested, it’s the most responsible thing you can do. Even curable STIs can leave you infertile if left untreated. So man  up and go get tested… It’s free.

Missed Opportunity

I was out at the bar with a few friends, happy to be back on home turf. The bar was full of good looking girls. I’m sitting against the bar enjoying a beer when I make eye contact with a cute blonde and her friend. We hold eye contact triggering my instinct of “Approach her!”. Just to make sure I didn’t miss read her, I turned around to see her still looking at me, smiling as she walked out on to the bar patio to have a smoke.

This is the moment when I should have eaten my fears and say “Hi” to her. But I didn’t, I choked. The rest of the night as we went bar hopping. I was haunted by that missed approach. The stars were alined but I made up some lame ass excuse for not executing. My punishment, was having one golden opportunity slip through my fingers.

If the chance of pulling a cute girl isn’t enough for you, just know for the rest of the night you are going to be haunted by that one missed opportunity. I’ve noticed that when I don’t approach I end up suffering more from missed opportunity that I’ll never have again. Secret I’m sitting here hoping the universe gives me a second shot… not likely. The only way to beat this is to go out and approach, if the odds aren’t as good.

Approach even if the odds are against you. Why? Because you don’t want to go another night with nothing but the thought of missed opportunity. Go to bed kept warm with the embers of having learned a lesson.

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